So, uh…how’s it going?
I realize it’s been a while, but it’s been a weird month or so. I wanted to update this sucker, but I realized my next update was going to be about PT’s eulogy and picking up the pieces, which wasn’t something I wanted to tackle right away. Combine that with the thought of having to include everything that happened since, and this post seemed kinda intimidating. Fuck it – I’ll probably gloss over a few things or accidentally forget a few, but that can’t be helped.
After getting word from the doc about PT on an EARLY Friday morning, (about 7 hours after being in to see him!) I was sort of in shock. Up until that call, I had been watching Superbad and giggling, while eating a sandwich. With about 15 minutes left, I got the call and felt this dread wash over me, because nothing good was going to come from my phone ringing at that time of the night. As I heard this stranger telling me my uncle had died, I tried to go numb and concentrate on the info he was giving. He was asking about funeral arrangements and such. I actually thanked the guy before I hung up…I’m not sure why. I guess because I knew that having to tell family members this kind of news can’t be fun, so I might as well try to make it easier for him. Anyways, I hung up and after 5 minutes, tried to watch the rest of the movie. It was pretty much ruined, but I’m sure it was funny. Later on, some insensitive prick from the hospital called, and again asked me what we were doing with PT’s body. Before I could tell him, he cut in and asked, “You’re not coming in to see it, are you?” Uh…ok. I had to ask him why at this point, even though I had no plans on doing so, especially since I had just visited PT a few hours before he died. His response was that he didn’t look so good and it’d probably be upsetting, and he’d rather not have family members get in the way or something. I think that was the gist, anyways. I was still in shock, although slightly annoyed, and informed the guy that I had been in there to see him while he was alive, so I didn’t need to stop in, and he was going to be cremated anyways. He realized he pissed me off a bit, so he gave a half-assed, “Sorry ’bout yer loss.” and hung up.
I didn’t get to sleep that day until about 8am or so. I ended up staying awake both because I couldn’t sleep, and because I needed to call home in the morning to let family know. I did what I could with my mother to help figure out details for the funeral home, and helped delegate authority to her and my uncle as far as the memorial service. I finally ended up passing out, and I think I stayed in Pittsburgh another night. I can’t remember. I do know I was back home Saturday night, though, since I attended a graduation party Sunday. I had been invited about a month beforehand by one of the senior soccer girls, and honestly needed to get out of the house. I ended up staying about 2 hours or so – long enough to eat, give her my card (I slipped $20 in it – not sure what’s appropriate for a former player, but she’s a great girl and I didn’t want to show up empty-handed), and talk to people. A few who knew what had happened to PT met with me and it was good to socialize. I let a few parents know I didn’t get the varsity job….a whole other story. I understand not getting the spot, but to be told by a parent was kinda shitty. She called me up a week before PT died saying, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get the varsity position.” My response was, “Oh, I didn’t? News to me…” She was shocked the school or the new coach (some italian dude who has way more experience than I do) didn’t contact me yet. I then informed her about my bumper (fixed, now) and uncle (alive at the time), so she was understanding that the varsity situation sucked, but that it was really the least of my concerns at the time. I STILL have yet to hear from the school or the coach, but that’s beside the point…
Amy was at the party as well, to a few parents’ dismay. She was supportive in her own uncomfortable way about both the varsity spot and PT. Of course, I just got a text about a week ago from one of the graduating seniors, who’ll be attending Geneva College. Seems Amy called her up and told her that she was going to be her assistant coach. Yeah…Amy’s assisting at the college level. WTF. The girl who told me couldn’t be nicer, and I feel for her. She’s had Amy as a coach for every single year from 7th grade on. I gave her my best advice on how to manage, and asked that she keep me in the loop as far as how things go. I told her that at least Amy doesn’t call the shots, so that’ll help her. Too bad Amy’s going to cling to this girl, in hopes that she’ll provide her with credibility. I wonder if Amy knew about the opening and had applied before the party? She sure didn’t tell me about it. Anyways…
We still had a week before PT’s memorial service. Seems that he requested 2 seperate ones in his will. One down home, and one in Pittsburgh for his friends there. And by memorial services, I really mean wakes. He didn’t want a a somber gathering, he wanted people to enjoy themselves. We were still planning a churchy type thing, but with a small party afterwards. Then a week or so later, we’d have a gathering in Pittsburgh at the Saloon. It just so happened that there was a family reunion going on that weekend up at the lake, so my mom thought having the service at the end of the weekend was best, as there would still be family in the area to attend.
I was originally not planning on going to the reunion. I tend to be against large gatherings of people, and had kinda been antisocial for the past few months. At the time I heard about it, PT was still alive, and I didn’t think I’d be able to, anyways. My cousin Anne started pestering me about it, though. She was toying with the idea of going, then found out that she would be flying in from Colorado to attend. At that point, I thought it’d be rude to not go, so I went. Brief backgrounbd – Anne and I used to be really close throughout highschool, but lost touch about 8 years ago. As to why, that really isn’t important now. I was mostly over it, but I was a bit leery about going because of that, and because I didn’t know what I’d be getting myself into with the rest of the family. I dreaded facing a lot of questions that I didn’t feel like answering.
It actually went fairly well. I got in late evening, and tried to bring all my stuff in. The place was a bit of a mess – this was the first time in 3 years I had come up to stay there, and I didn’t like the way it had gone downhill. Small animals had been doing their thing, and had nibbled on both my toilet paper and soap. Something also left a yellowish shit on my mattress. Not happy. As I was about to leave a yellow-ish deposit myself, I heard Anne downstairs. It was good to see her, although I felt a bit awkward. I hadn’t really been around people in a social situation for a while, obviously. She talked for a bit, then went over to her cottage so I could take care of business. I met up with her a bit later, and we took a walk. I did my best to make small talk with the extended family, but really wanted to get the hell out of there. She recognized that, so we took a walk to the local bar. We had to navigate pitch-black dirt roads to get there, but that’s part of the charm. We played that shuffleboard game (small sliders that you slide by hand on a raised table, not like old people shuffling discs on the ground like brooms) where she beat me the first game. As my ego couldn’t handle this, we promptly played a 2nd, where I pretty much owned her…something like 21 to 10. I noticed that she had a much easier time ordering drinks and getting them, due to my lack of tits. We came back and talked for hours out on the dock. I guess I should mention (before she does) that we had another contest…of sorts. We both had to piss on the way back, and she showed that she wasn’t shy. She went to one side of the road, while I went on the other. She dropped her pants and finished up while I was still going. She’s proud of it, anyways…I’m fairly sure I spent 2 nights there, as I think the 2nd night was spent walking around the lake at night, bullshitting about everything going on in our lives. It was great to meet up with her, and since then I’ve gotten a few subtle hints about needing to go out to visit her. I usually play dumb, but she’s insistant.
The next day is kind of a blur, except that I remember going out on the boat with my mother, my sister, Tommy, DevilSpawn, DS’s mom, PT’s favorite cousin Amy, and PT’s cousins Jack and Jim. We went out there to do a little ceremony of our won. We ended up sharing some stories. Jim aske me to share one, and I felt like an ass. I completely drew a blank. I didn’t know what to say. I just spent 6 months with him, but none of those stories really fit the situation. I wanted to tell some amusing, yet endearing story and just couldn’t think of one. Finally, one came to mind and I told it. I later ended up using it as part of his eulogy a day or 2 later. We all shared our stories, although I had to interrupt my drunk sister as she has no concept of what kind of stories are, or are NOT appropriate. She also started rambling on about when she, my brother, and I were kids that had nothing to do with PT. After all the stories, we brought out PT’s ashes (part of them, anyways. The rest are yet to be spread) and each sprinkled a bit of him into the lake. He grew up there, and we thought it’d be an appropriate place to spread them. Before we went back in, cousin Jack said a few things, and while his intentions were good, they made me feel like shit. He brought up how our family was a unique one, and how we had this great support system, and how that nothing like what happened to PT needed to happen again as long as we offer help to those that need it. I felt like he was almost blaming me for what happened to PT, saying that I should have stepped in when he was drinking too much and done something about it. Thing is, you have to want that help in order to receive it. PT was so stubborn that if you ever tried to force him to do something, he’d go out of his way to spite you. Tommy never understood that, which was just part of the reason why he and PT were so estranged. I tried to say this, but Jack thought I was arguing his idea. I cleared things up with him later, and let him know that it was a good idea and accurate, but PT was a special case. I think he understood, and I don’t think his intention was to blame me, but I took it personally anyhow. Part of me knows that this wasn’t my fault, but part of me will always wonder what I could have done differently. I hate that part of me.
Before I forget, I think I’ve mentioned before that Steve was estranged from the family. PT had kept his distance and he didn’t trust him, and we did our best to keep PT’s situation from Steve, so that he could keep his distance. Well…Steve found out about PT’s death and wasn’t pleased that he didn’t know sooner. I can’t blame him, but honoring PT’s wishes was more important to me. He tried, as well as his new wife (although I hear they’ve split up…maybe), to call Tommy. Tommy wanted no part of talking to them, so I volunteered. I figure that Tommy wouldn’t handle it well, and my mother hates Steve with a fiery passion. I was the best choice. I got Steve’s number and called him up. Steve wanted to know why he wasn’t told. Ugh…I told him that it was PT’s choice. PT was the type of person that didn’t want people to know about this, so he asked us to keep it quiet. That, and he wasn’t real sure of Steve’s intentions. Amazingly, Steve understood and knew Pt was like that. He then launched into a tirade against my mother. I did a lot of turning the other cheek that day. He basically said exactly how he felt about her, and said that out of everyone in the family that deserved to die, PT was last and she was first. At this point, I asked, “Are you sure this is really the type of conversation you want to have with me?” At that point, he backed off a bit, told me that if I ever needed anything, to let him know, but he wouldn’t be attending the service. Even after all that was said, I didn’t want to back away from my earleir stance: I had told him that he was welcome to go to the service if he so chose. The party afterwards wasn’t a good idea, as relatives with axes to grind + alcohol was a bad combo. I even told Tommy and my mom that Steve was going to be allowed to pay his respects if he so chose, and that I wouldn’t let PT’s life OR death be used to further anyone’s grudge. My mom wasn’t thrilled with this, but I did say that if at any point Steve (or anyone else for that matter) decided to cause problems, they’d be escorted out politely. I had already spoken to Parker, Chuck, and DJ about this since they were going to be my posse.
Either way, Steve still told me he’d stay out of the service, and that my mom could have her way and keep him away from the family. At this point, I knew Steve just wanted to be a martyr, so I let him know that she had nothing to do with it, and that it was his choice alone that he was making. *shrug*
I left the lake Monday morning, the day of the service. I originally thought about speaking during it, along with DJ and my mom. I figured that I knew PT best out of the family, and he would want me to say something. I met up with Parker earlier that week and he told me that doing his grandfather’s eulogy was extremely hard, and I might want to think about it. I stopped and thought that maybe I was trying to do too much. PT obviously put a lot of responsibilty on me, but I was also trying to take on things that maybe were best left to others (the memorial services, being Steve’s liason, etc.). That, and I kept drawing a blank on what I’d say. The day of the service, I got there early to set up the pictures, make sure PT’s ashes were there, and to meet up with the pastor. I told him that I was just going to let DJ and my mom talk, but I wouldn’t mind doing a reading of a passage or something. I did that for my grandparents, before. He told me that he thought I’d do a eulogy, and he’d just do the readings. I said, “Well, I didn’t write anything but I had something in mind, I guess…” He said, “Ok, great!” Crap. I then asked him for a tablet and pen. I found a room off to the side and sat down. I realized I had about 25 minutes to jot something down. I guess I had some experience with this sort of thing – I’m a procrastinator and seem to work well under the gun. I did many papers for school under severe time limitations, and while this was a bit more important, I think I did an ok job.
During the service, my mom spoke first, and did it completely without notes. I was somewhat impressed. She told a story of how she honestly didn’t know PT as well as she would have liked. She was in high school when he was born, and didn’t have the same close relationship that either DJ or I had. She told a story, though, of how when my brother was born, he had complications. She needed help getting stuff out of Lance’s hospital room, and since PT lived somewhat nearby…he was there within half an hour, and never complained once about helping out. He got all the stuff loaded into his car, and helped transport it an hour and a half home. She emphasized how PT was the type of person who’d do anything for anyone else, without complaint. She then turned things over to me, and said that she was going to let others who knew him best speak. I gave my bit of the eulogy next. (I’ll include the text in another entry) I drew upon the story I told out on the boat, and tried to tell both a bit of background on his and my relationship, as well as give everything a nice moral to the story. Or something. I had the notes I had written down, but like I learned in my public speech classes in college, I tried to give most of the speech to the audience without looking down every few seconds. I wish I had spent more time on it, as I feel like he deserved more effort. I honestly didn’t know I’d be giving a eulogy, though, and maybe it actually turned out better this way. Who knows? Dj spoke last, and had about 2 typed pages that he read word for word. He obviously spent a lot of time writing it, and even included a reading that PT gave at DJ’s wedding…which oddly worked.
After the service, we all went out to this place 20 minutes away. It was a bar/restaurant that my mom had reserved for a few hours. While this was one of the things that I delegated to her, I wish she had gotten my opinion on the food that was to be served. The choice of 3 entrees was kinda weak, and the appetizers? She passed on a shrimp cocktail platter that was about $30 and instead chose a $100 CHEESE and CRACKERS platter!?! I told her that for $10, I could get a few boxes of Ritz and a can of squeezy cheese. And considering that the estate was footing the bill….meaning: my siblings and I, I think I should have given an opinion on the offerings. It sucked that Anne couldn’t stay out for this, but obviously living 2 time zones away made that tough. Parker and I hung out, though, and played darts. My mom got a limo for this, so we wouldn’t have to drive back. I thought maybe that was too flashy, but she was paying for it. I made sure that she didn’t try to have the estate pay for it, anyways. I didn’t think that was covered under normal memorial service costs…
The day of the memorial, my brother Lance started having stomach pains. My first reaction was “maybe that’s karma eating at him from the inside.” You see, my brother pissed me off during PT’s last week of life. After I had met with the doctor and learned his time was short, I called home to let my mother and uncle know that they should come down to see him. I asked my mom the night before she came down if Lance was coming, and she seemed agitated. She said something non-committal, and said she would know later. The next day, she and my sister came down alone. (Tommy came the next day solo) It seems that when she asked Lance to go, his response was that PT basically asked for this by how he lived his life, so he was getting what he asked for. Lance decided he’d rather look down his nose at him from his high horse. My response was to inform my mom that had he told me that, I’d have broken his fucking nose. It just really chaps my ass to know that he could treat PT that way, after everything that PT had ever done for him, and would do, had he the chance. But that’s Lance – one of the most selfish people I have ever known. He actually attended the service, though, but I sat across the aisle from his pew. Anyways, turns out that Lance had gall stones or gall bladder issues. Maybe they’re the same. I didn’t really care to pay attention. Call me a bad person, but I thought it was kinda karmalicious to have Lance suddenly find himself in a hospital after making that statement. And no – I didn’t visit. My mother knew enough not to ask why.
I’ve since gotten over it, as I know PT wouldn’t want me to again: use his life or death to further a grudge. I even gave Lance PT’s copy of the Batman comic “The Killing Joke.” Of course, when he thanked me, I said, “Don’t thank me – thank PT.”
That’s the thing that kills me – PT left everything to Lance, Morgan and I. While I don’t know what all that entails yet, (although the will said I get the jeep) we’re supposed to go through the apartment and divy things up. At first, I felt like a coackroach picking through his things, but I’m trying to get over the feeling of…wrongness by deciding who gets what. Lance amazingly declined that part of things, and that’s either because he doesn’t want to trouble himself to come down…and possibly have to clean, or that he would feel hypocritical by snubbing PT during his life, yet accepting his stuff when he died. I really don’t know which is the case, but it makes things simpler. I know that things like this can cause rifts between family members – my mother and uncle squabbled over my grandparents’ belongings, and they would take things for no practical purpose, just to have them. So far, my sister and I have been agreeable on just about everything. We’re still both contending for the Foreman grill, however. The laptop and desktop PC are another thing we haven’t decided on. For now, I have the laptop, and as long as she can get any of the older laptops to work for her, she won’t need it. She would only need one for if she goes back to school, where I would use it mostly for higer-end games. If one of the older ones works – no problem. The desktop PC is probably going to depend on who needs an upgrade the most. She did take most of the furniture, though, so I don’t feel as bad about requesting the computer stuff. Her husband’s a gamer, though, and he already helped himself to a spare hard drive, speakers, and head phones. I wasn’t pleased, but I figure I can’t say much – I was given the jeep.
Most of my stress has come from trying to keep Tommy out of the proceedings as much as possible. He tends to try to assume control of things, and this is something that PT knew. That’s why he made sure both DJ and I were in charge of everything. Tommy came down once so far to “help clean.” Basically, he played Call of Duty on PT’s computer all fucking day, and when he did try to clean, he made more of a mess. That lazy bitch took a scrub brush/mop and wet down PT’s bathroom floor. He didn’t rinse, though. He just made a dirty floor into a wet, dirty floor. In the meantime, I cleaned the other bathroom, including tub/toilet/sink/floor and disinfected it as well. I ended up having to redo the other bathroom later on. It was actually easier to let him play the computer than letting him make more of a mess, so I let him be.
Tommy happened to overstep his bounds earlier, too. He was outside when my sister’s husband was helping me fix a speaker in the jeep. It’s a nice vehicle – V8 engine, Grand Cherokee, and is a 2003..maybe 2002. Anyhow, Ben happened to ask me what was going to happen with the jeep. Before I could answer, Tommy cut in with, “Oh I’m not sure what we’re going to do with it. We’ll probably sell it….” After pausing to figure out exactly what to say, I ended up saying, “Uhm, I don’t think you should get ahead of yourself, there. PT actually left that to me.” I guess he didn’t expect that, and ended up mumbling, “Uh, oh..well that’s…good. I mean, you, uh…deserve it.” I haven’t had the heart to inform him exactly how little of a role PT wanted him to have, but I had to say something there. Sigh.
Speaking of Tommy and the jeep, I knew this was going to happen…his car is a rolling death trap. The tires are beyond horrible, and the gas tank is evidentally leaking. That’s usually a sign to get it fixed. Tommy doesn’t want to spend money, though. Sure, he still hasn’t sold his former house, or even srarted the process. Sure, he doesn’t mind spending money on women that won’t kiss him, let alone touch his peepee. But when it comes to something that makes sense? Nope. I knew that when I got the Honda back, he was going to make a play for borrowing the jeep. I think I’ve covered Tommy’s driving habits before. I’m honestly amazed that he hasn’t wrecked, yet. He can’t drive sober, and tends to drive home from bars when he shouldn’t, either. I knew he was planning on visiting a stripper, since it was her birthday and she convinced him to visit her and spend money on her. He thought that was something to brag about. He finally approached me about it and said, “I got a proposition for you….” Fuck. He asked to borrow the jeep, and offered to pay me for the privilege. I told him the truth,” Uh, you do know that this isn’t legal to drive, right? It’s not technically mine, yet.” Sure, I had driven it while the honda was STILL in the shop, but I had no insurance for it. Thing is, I’d sooner drive it out of necessity than let a bad driver take it down to visit a stripper and have a few drinks. He didn’t like the answer, and pouted for the rest of the day. *shrug* I’m still looking into insurance. I think I can get both cars insured for under $100 a month, but getting quotes is a pain. I pay by the month on my honda’s insurance, so I’m fairly sure breaking it off with them is no problem. They don’t seem to mind threatening to break it off when I’m late with a payment…
I guess that’s good for now. I’m sure I forgot stuff, but that’s to be expected when I neglect this thing for so long. I’ll try to write up an approximation of my eulogy, next, although I only have the notes to go from. They’re the basis of what I said, but it won’t quite be word for word.
